I feel like I have been a major stress-case in the last few days. I don't know if I can pinpoint the cause of my anxiety, rather it seems that a whole bunch of little worries have started piling up on top of each other. Last night I had a dream that there was another terrorist attack and our family was separated and we were unprepared. It is very unusual for me to have bad dreams so it was really unsettling. I decided to try to exorcise these demons that are getting me down by making a list of things that I'm worrying about. So at the risk of exposing myself as a total neurotic crack-up, here are some of the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind.- whether I have picked the right preschool for Oliver
- whether Oliver should be in preschool at all yet
- why Oliver will eat for Lisa, his feeding therapist, but not me
- being a good friend/maintaining meaningful friendships
- acknowledging birthdays/anniversaries; sending baby/wedding gifts
- being responsive to email or blog comments (It's sort of pathetic that this stresses me out so much. Please don't take it personally if I don't write back, I really love and appreciate messages even if I don't have it together enough to respond.)
- the global financial crisis
- Sarah Palin (for reasons too convoluted to explain right now)
- the hurricane victims in Haiti
- our growing list of friends who have lost their jobs
- my laziness
- my pathetic work ethic
- my chronic lateness
- finding a way to make a difference in the world outside my home, and preferably make some money doing it.
- feeling like I may be too lazy and lack the organizational skills to "do something" meaningful (apart from raising my children, of course, which I recognize is deeply meaningful)
Then I made a list of things that help me keep it all in perspective:
- I really, truly love being a mother. I don't think there are enough hours in the day to kiss and cuddle and tickle and chase and teach my boys. I love it. I can't get enough of it.
- I have a really amazing husband. He's so much fun to be married to and he's so good at all the things that I'm really bad at (see work ethic and organizational skills)
- I really love to cook. It totally helps me unwind to chop and dice and mix and fold. I love trying new recipes and creating my own variations. I feel like it's a worthwhile creative outlet.
- I'm excited to be taking tennis lessons and I'm determined to become a better player. I like to get out there and practice and it feels so good to know that I'm improving.
Part of my low-level anxiety may be related to sleep deprivation so I'd better sign off so I can get to bed. Here's to a happy day tomorrow!
11 comments:
I love it Anna, I struggle with so many of the same things....maybe that's why I like you so much. Thanks for being honest and making me feel like I'm not the only one. I miss you!
I think you are just like every other women, especially in the Mormon culture. I feel that in our culture we are expected to be good at everything, and accomplish alot. We should be a great mother, neighbor, housekeeper, cook, friend,etc. We should spiritually, emotional, and physically have it all together at all times. I think that feeling those pressures stress me and alot of other women out as well.
YOur such a great person with a big heart. You befriend everyone, and an amazing mother, and teacher for the young women. I can understand you emotions, but you need to give yourself a break.
Reading this post just made me start thinking about all the things I should be stressed out about. lol I'm still in recovery mode, so I'm procrastinating almost all responsibility right now, but I'm sure it will hit me in a week or two. It's true that our culture, especially in the Church, makes us feel that we need to be all things to all people at all times. You just inspired me to re-read Elder Ballard's talk from this last conference- "Daughters of God"... check it out. :)
Oh my goodness Anna, our lists are so alike! Aside from the preschool worries, which can be substituted for my worries of whether I will be a good mom and such. But writing things down really do help us in feeling less overwhelmed or worried and I wish I had the time to take up tennis lessons. I love playing tennis. Sarah Palin, DON'T get me started on that one!!!!!!!!! ;(
Look what's on top of my list of worries:
How can I have a lovely warm family and home like the one my sister has?
Why is it that work ethic and organizational skills don't seem to fill in all the necessary gaps to really generate the kind of love that matters in life?
I so admire you, big sister. If you didn't have moments of panic, you wouldn't be human. Or female.
Lots of love to you.
another contributor to the stressing-out, in addition to prolonged sleep deprivation (and no one should ever underestimate the impact of THAT!) is the downer that it can be to come home from a totally awesome vacation that you'd been looking forward to for weeks (or months!). I always feel that letdown after getting home! Here's wishing you a decent night's sleep!
Thanks for being so real and authentic, Anna. I wish more of my sources of anxiety were as noble! Yesterday I went to bed discouraged because I too had a lazy day. Sigh.
But I also loved your list of positives. Those are such important ones, especially your love of your boys. They need and love you so much, too!
You are not lazy, you are a tired mother of a newborn and a 2-yr-old!! The best advice I was given when I had my second baby was: Lower Your Expectations (of yourself and what you can get accomplished). Do NOT put unecessary pressure on yourself to do any more than keeping you and your family happy at this point. Our society makes young mom's feel like they need to do it all, but that is not reality! There is a time and a season for everything, and now is your time to take care of those sweet little boys. You can do all that other stuff later!
With every baby I dealt w/mild postpartum depression and anxiety. Exercise, getting enough sleep, and time always got me feeling better. Hang in there!!
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